1) That's my only goal. Surround me with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
2) When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.
3) I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, or straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.
To me, your sexual orientation, race, or nationality doesn't matter. Those labels are just illusions. What truly matters is who you are as a person, beyond those superficial distinctions. Let's focus on what truly counts: kindness, understanding, and acceptance.
4) I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.
When we talk openly and respectfully about topics like sex, it can create a positive and comfortable environment. Girls may feel more at ease around someone who promotes healthy conversations, leading to meaningful connections beyond just discussing sex.
5) No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory.
6) If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.
7) On my left knee I have a long scar from an ACL operation. I've had both knees reconstructed.
On my left knee, there's a cool scar from an ACL surgery. I've actually had both my knees fixed up. It's like my knees went to the repair shop and now they're stronger than ever!
8) I had a great time on News Radio, I got to make tons of money in relative obscurity learn a lot about the TV biz, and work on my standup act constantly. It was a dream gig.
Being on News Radio was an amazing experience for me. I earned a lot of money while flying under the radar, and it gave me a chance to understand the TV industry better. Plus, I could practice my standup comedy, making it a dream job.
9) Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.
10) The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.
11) The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move back and forth.
Our planet Earth spins incredibly fast, like a thrilling ride, while we live our lives on its surface. We've built roads so we can travel smoothly and quickly using vehicles with rubber tires, creating a convenient way to move around.
12) If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?
13) Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's a very funny, very witty guy, very quick.
Phil Hartman was a talented comedian known for his brilliance both on and offstage. His humor was even sharper in casual conversations, where he would deliver witty and sometimes biting remarks. Dave Foley, another funny and quick-witted comedian, also excels in making people laugh with his clever jokes.
14) Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith - and that nothing has to be proven.
Faith, while comforting to some, can hinder the development of new ideas and critical thinking. Promoting the notion of unquestioning belief, it discourages curiosity and the need for evidence, limiting intellectual progress and exploration.
15) The comics I hate are Thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.
Comic thieves are terrible! It's gross when someone steals jokes from others and pretends they came up with them. It's important to give credit where it's due and respect the originality and hard work of comedians.
16) I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible.
One reason people fear the end of humanity is the fear of dying alone. We don't want to be separated from loved ones, and the thought of losing them forever is heartbreaking. Sorrow is a natural part of loving deeply.
17) I had seen movies before that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.
I had watched funny movies before, but when I saw Richard Pryor perform, it was on another level. Just by talking and being himself, he made me laugh harder than anything I had ever seen. He was a true comedic genius.
18) I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.
Being afraid of heights is common and rational. Our brains evolved to protect us from falling, so feeling anxious up high is natural. It's okay to have this fear, as it helps us stay safe and cautious in elevated situations.
19) People want their 15 minutes and are willing to do anything to get it.
In our fame-driven culture, people crave their moment in the spotlight, even if it means resorting to extreme measures. The desire for fame motivates some to go to great lengths, sacrificing integrity and sanity for a fleeting taste of recognition.
20) I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.
Martial arts are like meditation in motion. When you practice, whether it's sparring or drilling techniques, your mind becomes fully focused on the present moment. It's a way to clear your thoughts and be fully engaged in the physicality of the art.
21) When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they or thinks, people, flock to it. They enjoy it.
When someone speaks their mind openly and honestly, people are drawn to it. They find it refreshing and enjoyable because it's rare to see someone expressing themselves freely without holding back or conforming to societal expectations.
22) Apartment living is a tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out.
Living in an apartment can be challenging. The thought of sharing a washer and dryer can be unsettling. But it also offers a chance to meet new people, experience urban life, and enjoy amenities like swimming pools or gyms.
23) I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do.
Making a child famous can be seen as unfair and harmful. Childhood is meant for learning, growing, and having fun, not for the pressures of fame. It's important to prioritize their well-being and let them enjoy a normal childhood.
24) People for the most part can smell lies.
Humans have a natural ability to sense when someone is not telling the truth. It's like our built-in lie detector. So, it's important to be honest and genuine, because most people can sniff out deception and prefer authenticity.
25) You're sort of programmed a certain way because of your environment. That's all you know. But we don't have that anymore because of the Internet. Because of the internet, we're all communicating with each other all across the board, so you're getting information from people all around the world, hitting a much more diverse slice of culture.
In the past, people's perspectives were shaped by their surroundings. But thanks to the internet, we now have access to diverse viewpoints from all over the world. It broadens our knowledge and connects us globally, allowing for a richer and more varied understanding of different cultures.
26) I had a sense of who I was before I got famous.
27) It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
28) My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.
When I perform, I don't hold back. My act is completely uncensored, but I do it in a way that makes the audience feel like my closest friends. I want to create an intimate atmosphere where we can laugh and enjoy together without any filters.
29) Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.
Having a girlfriend helps me stay on the right path, avoid risky situations, and maintain a faithful relationship. It's not just about avoiding STDs; it's about making responsible choices and nurturing a committed and healthy partnership.
30) As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who's been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, that yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it's stretching is if you haven't done it, or that you haven't done it rigorously for a long period.
Yoga goes beyond stretching; it can bring about altered states of consciousness. As someone experienced in fitness and yoga, I assure you it's more than just stretching. Only those who haven't tried it or practiced it extensively might think otherwise.
31) Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It's a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box... but in an actual physical fight against someone who's just a wrestler, you're going to get killed.
Boxing is a form of martial art focused on punching, even though it's not traditionally classified as one. While boxing excels in its specific rules, in a real fight against a wrestler, who can grapple, the limitations of boxing become apparent, putting the boxer at a disadvantage.
32) It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.
Lenny Bruce, a groundbreaking comedian, wasn't afraid to push boundaries by using explicit language. While getting arrested for swearing hurt him initially, he ultimately challenged societal norms and paved the way for artistic freedom in comedy.
33) What's interesting about science is that we're constantly discovering new things about the universe, ourselves, our bodies, diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It's amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being - without a doubt.
34) Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in its content, but generic in its title.
Comedy is a unique and diverse art form that covers a wide range of content, but it's often called simply "comedy." From witty one-liners to hilarious stories, comedians use their skills to make us laugh and bring joy to our lives.
35) The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both.
To excel in stand-up comedy and martial arts, you need a deep understanding of truth. Being honest about your abilities is crucial in these fields. Both demand objectivity, where you evaluate and improve your skills to succeed.
36) Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them? Actors are the worst for that.
Have you ever noticed how some people seem like they're not really present when you talk to them? Well, actors are especially good at that because they can pretend to be someone else so convincingly.
37) Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous, and chaotic.
38) After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.
Once the acting part is finished, it's important to remember our humanity. Surprisingly, some people never seem to show their human side, which is quite strange and unusual.
39) I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or The Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.
If I had a funny and clean comedy routine, I might consider appearing on Letterman or The Tonight Show, as long as it met network standards. But I won't actively pursue it, it would have to happen naturally.
40) Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.
Richard Pryor, a beloved comedian, was incredibly honest on stage. He shared his innermost thoughts and feelings, which made people connect with him deeply. This genuine approach is what made him so adored by everyone.
41) The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.
42) Being a celebrity or anything else where you're really ambitious, it's really a game to see how successful you can get.
Being a celebrity or having big ambitions is like playing a game to see how successful you can become. It's about pushing yourself to achieve your goals and seeing how far you can go in your chosen field.
43) Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It's so fun, and it's allowed me to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn't believe it was happening.
I love doing stand-up comedy the most, but podcasting is a close second. It's really enjoyable, and it lets me have long chats with people I wouldn't normally get to talk to. When I spoke to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I could hardly believe it was real!
44) Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, and protested. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.
45) I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.
I never planned to be a standup comedian. Some guys I worked out with convinced me to give it a try.
46) I'm a huge Groucho fan. Some great comic minds would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.
I love Groucho Marx! His humor is timeless and can make anyone laugh, no matter the generation. He's one of those brilliant comedians whose jokes and wit will always be appreciated and enjoyed.
47) If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.
When an actor portrays a brooding character in a movie, some people assume that the actor is brooding in real life. But it's just a role they play, and they can be quite different in their everyday lives.
48) The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.
The Comedy Store in LA is a unique and mysterious place. It has a relaxed atmosphere, dimly lit and spooky, which makes it a perfect space for comedians to freely express their thoughts and ideas on stage.
49) The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.
People often think standup comics are always cracking jokes, but that's not true. The best comedians aren't constantly trying to be funny. They know when to be serious and when to let their humor shine, making them truly funny.
50) To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.
Being a comedian is awesome because I don't stress about what others think of me. Comedy lets me be myself without worrying too much. I can make people laugh and enjoy myself in the process.
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